I am having really bad pains this morning in my left side and back and lower abdomen. I am just taking the progesterone cream now since the doctor doesn't want to "mess with" giving me suppositories right now as she put it. I am so afraid with all the stresss and depressive like feelings I"ve been having that I will lose this baby. I had a lot of stress with Zebedia too but at least my hormones were acting proper.
I am really sick this morning again. I tried to nibble a saltine cracker and I should have known better. I just keep coughing and dry-heaving now and I am still soooo tired. I need more sleep.
My dad also left and I am feeling the major stress of having to take care of grandma again not just all day long but all night too. He was good to watch her at night for me so I could sleep. He left because his family is having like a re-union thing with just all his sisters going to this memorial at the church their father is barried at. They have it every year. And now that he is gone, I have it all to do again on my own now. I am just so scared and I am so stressed and so sick and I need his help...both physical and emotional.
I wanted him to stay another 2 weeks...just let me get past my 10th week (I"m 8 weeks in about 2/3 days)....I lost my baby back in March at 9.5 weeks as you all know and I am just so scared. I hate to admit it. I know I need to really more so now than at anytime lean on God for He is my ultimate strength. But I must say it helps to have the support of your family...people here to lean on physically and at least feel like you are not totally alone.
I know I am not alone...I know I have God and I know He is all I really need. But I can't help having these crazy feelings like I need some one actually here with me to help...no matter how little they help, any help and support is better than none.
And I am still so upset over that aide telling grandma I needed to clean the house better and get that bathroom cleaned up. You knwo I was down here in the basement...had taken a cold shower and wanted to lie on the hard cold stone flooring down here to help take away the nausea and dizziness I was feeling when she rang the door bell. She judged me and my home with out knowing anything about my situation or what is going in my life.
With me having an invalid grandmother here living with me you think that alone would have given her pause to stop and think about what I may be having to deal with. I don't know....I'm just very embarassed but also very angry that she had the nerve to say such a thing to my grandmother. I noticed she was curling her nose up at me and at the house...I know I probably looked crazy....i'm pale skinned anyhow and with being so sick I look like a real stinking ghost and my eyes are bright blue so they probably just pop out of my head now, I'd been dry heaving so much and was so sick my voice was shaky and kind of cracking...I'm sure I looked and sounded insane.
So I understand she probaby thought I was just psycho but I tried to explain to her what was going on and she just interrupted me and was like yea, whatever. I just don't need that right now...that's more trouble and stress and less help than I need right now. I'm thinking about calling their office today and telling them to keep their aides...dont' send anymore. I don't need that right now. They don't really do anything anyhow...change her clothes and swipe her over with a wash cloth. Well, on the days they don't come here I change her clothes and wash and powder her down myself. And I do a better job because we buy proper supplies to do it with....washing caps to shampoo and condition her hair, heat up cleansing and rinsing disposable cloths, I powder her and make sure she has deodarant and such. I just still can't believe they run a business where they charge you so mluch money to do these things and then don't have proper supplies to do it with. They won't even cut her finger or toe nails...I still have to do that and make sure she gets lotion put on her. She has diabetes and the skin on her feet especially will dry and crack really bad....they never put lotion on her. Half the time they don't wash her hair either...I think often they just change her clothes and leave it at that.
Anyway, I am just tired and sick and grumpy and the pains in my side aren't helping.
Melanie
(who is finally done complaining LOL <G>)
