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Very Sick...A horrible night

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Hyperemesis...sick the whole pregnancy
Very Sick...A horrible night

This was written just a few days before I finally decided I MUST get to a hospital. I was having so much pain, was weak and dizzy and so very sick.

I've been up since 3:30am and it's 10:30am now. Before that I was only able to sleep every 30 mins to an hour. I went to bed at around 11:30. I wish so much this was like my last pregnancy where I could just eat every couple hours and make this nausea go away, but I'll gladly take the nausea if it means the pregnancy keeps progressing and my little one is safe!! 
 
I woke up at around 3:30 curled into a tight ball....my knees were drawn up tight against my abdomen, my arms were close to my chest and pushing down into my knees. I woke up from the pain in my stomach and the nausea and my body was like involuntarily I guess kind of jerking itself in towards my abdomen. I don't know...the jerking woke me up though and immediately the pain and nausea hit me and I saw swirly black. I tried to unfold myself and my hands were clenched so tight I couldn't uncurl my fingers at first. I stretched my legs out and tried to stand up....my legs had fallen asleep and I fell. They were so numb I couldn't feel them at all.  I started coughing and gagging.  I couldn't stand, I couldn't feel my legs. I was so dizzy and so sick. I think I said Oh God please help me or something like that.  
 
I finally was able to crawl back in bed and slowly straightened my fingers out (they still hurt and are sore in my knuckles) I messaged my legs until I could feel them. I was so sick and the pain was so bad in my stomach...I noticed a heavy feeling in my abdomen too like someone was pulling down hard on my uterus. I felt like something was going to drop out of me any second.  That scared me so much but I think maybe it was from just being clenched into that knot and the little tremors with my stomach muscles pulling in while I slept that caused it to feel that way.  
 
I went to the living room where Shawn had fallen asleep on the couch and he tried to massage my back...I tried laying in the floor and this smell of like urine hit me and I just thought I'd die.....I got up and Shawn tells me my grandmas stupid dog had an accident yesterday on the carpet...apparently Shawn didn't bother to scrub it very well if at all...he says he did but...who knows??  I start trying to pace around and see if that will help...I pace so much I cause my legs to swell. I have nerve damage (think it's of the sciatic nerve it's called)...runs from bottom of my feet up the back and sides of my calves into my knees on up my thighs into the groin and lower back area. Well, that started acting up and my knees starting hurting and my calves swelled some but I couldn't quit pacing. The pain and nausea is constant.....coughing, gagging no vomiting  though last night. I wished so much to vomit and maybe get some relief from the nausea and pain for awhile.
 
My stomach is a tight hard ball and it hurts up between my ribs...huge lump in my throat...just like I"m ready to vomit any second but nothing....just start coughing and gagging...it's constant.  I'm so dizzy....hard to walk, like being on boat. I watch the floor but I can't tell when my feet are going to hit...like the floor is swaying beneath me. I probably look drunk I'm sure.
 
I tried to eat some toast though God knows why....I can't eat toast, crackers or anything like that. The toast pushed me over the edge. I fell to my knees clutching my stomach....I know you all think I'm crazy, this is not just nausea this is sharp shooting pains I can not begin to explain how it feels. I have little tremors and gurgles all through my stomach. A huge horrible tasting lump in my throat. I'm dizzy, I'm sick.  I start crying. I can't stop. I'm coughing and gagging and my abdomen is so sore. This taste in the back of my throat is rising and rising but still I can't vomit...only mucous and bile like stuff comes out.
 
I take some pepto...I have to try something. It doesn't help. I'm pacing again and I keep trying to think hey, you are pregnant and this is such a happy time, you are so blessed. I feel like I don't deserve my baby because all I can really keep thinking is I want to die. I get so sick I go running to the bathroom to cough and gag over the toilet. I close the toilet lid and sit down...I totally break down. I am crying so hard and feel so horrible...I am so tired, so exhausted.
 
My poor grandma is so worried and she keeps saying I need to go to the doctor. Everything she is going through and she still worries about me ; )   My mom never heard what was going on but Shawn gets back up....he had laid down in the bed with Zebedia...he never did come fully awake when I tried to wake him to massage my back (my lower back is killing me...I think from being in that tight ball). He comes and stands by the toilet and and I just lean my head into his hip and I cry so hard. I cry and cry and my body is shaking.
 
Never does the pain and lump in my throat or nausea go away. I keep crying telling him I am just so tired and I just don't feel like I can take anymore. But I can....here I am still feeling horrible but having a tiny reprieve. I can feel it building back up though....Shawn is staying home today. I don't know what we will do financially....we already struggle as it is and he has had to miss so much work lately but I can't take care of even myself much less grandma and Zebedia.
 
Well, I must end this....starting to feel really sick again.
 
Love,
Melanie

Written in my 9th week of pregnancy.